:: Friday, January 17, 2003 ::

"Your paint dries, the canvas smiles..." (Over the Rhine)

I'm stealing a few minutes now to call my own and no one else's. For once, both sleep and productivity are being abandoned, although sleep always comes last anyway. I probably got about 4 hours last night, but I try to trick my brain into thinking I got so many more.
Some people think I have no energy, but that's not true -- my energy is just quieter, more indrawn and guarded like flower petals closing in. Big things, loud things, big life doesn't scare me, but sometimes I need to retreat and be just me again.
This afternoon is beautiful, and the approaching 3-day weekend makes sunshine even happier. The light is so bright I can't look directly out of my window... just around our dear little apartment with pillows and hats and dried flowers and scents painting a hundred-thousand memories. It's disheartening to think how attached I've grown to a place I've always known was temporary. I need to get used to leaving, but sunlit patterns through cranberry curtains make me jealous of moments when time stands still.
I'm beginning to think that change is one of my biggest fears as well as one of my biggest delights. The grass may always be greener on the other side, but it is definitely softer wherever I am at the moment. Marriage is huge and little and frightening and comforting and dangerous and beautiful. Millions of people before have sacrificed their independence for lifelong companionship; can I too?
I'm learning to forget about doubt though, and I know, more than I know anything else, that God is with me. I'm safe inside hands that fashioned me out of divine dreams and wrote my very own love story and planted courage inside the places that need it the most.
And I'm happy, and life is almost too lovely to use.

Large fingers pushin' paint
You're God and you got big hands
The colors blend
The challenges you give man

Seek my part
Devote myself, my small self
Like a book amongst the many on a shelf

Sometimes I know
Sometimes I rise
Sometimes I fall
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I cringe
Sometimes I live
Sometimes I walk
Sometimes I kneel
Sometimes I speak of nothing at all
Sometimes I reach to myself, dear God"
~Pearl Jam

Labels: Yore

:: Bethany Bassett - 6:47 PM :: + ::