:: Friday, January 31, 2003 ::

"Hey my love, do you believe that we might last a thousand years or more if not for this, our flesh and blood?" (DMB)

Last night, I talked for a few minutes with an old friend. He's planning on getting married soon, and he talked about his life -- tedious job, same thing every day, no real interest. Why? Why, my friend? Why, vast majority of suburban America? Is the extent of your vision a comfortable retirement? What is the point of financial success or fame? Why pass money or a name down to children, who will pass them down to their children, who will pass them down to their children indefinitely?
Where is purpose, passion, reason to love life? Where is motivation, vision, sense of fulfillment? Where is adventure, excitement, zest for living? Where is danger, emotion, the answer to inborn wildness?
I think that I realize more than ever before what Ecclesiastes is hitting on: "I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every many should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor -- it is the gift of God." (3:12-13)
He has put eternity in our hearts for a reason; is that so we can spend 8-hr. days in a cubicle, dental coverage included? I think God loves when we dream, and He loves even more when we go after those dreams. I think cultivating our passions is a way of loving Him. I think our relationships with Him are the most meaningful, most spiritual, when our hearts are thriving.
Is this heresy? Probably, but hey -- Jesus was the most heretical of them all.

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:: Bethany Bassett - 3:29 PM :: + ::

"Asleep in perfect blue buildings beside the green apple sea..." (Counting Crows)

Thoughts are twirling in my head,
Circles of green and blue and diamond light...
Thoughts of baby laughter
Shattering on the stone and stubble
Of parents' calloused hearts...
Thoughts of leaves and grass and sand
And rain like kisses,
Costing the pain only beauty can bring...
Thoughts of tears in so many eyes
That not even too much eyeliner can hide,
And so many men will never know
That stealing youth and confidence and smiles
Kills more than just the girl...
Thoughts of pillows and marshmallows
And the warmth of companionship
That asks no more than the same...
Thoughts of hide-and-seek,
With myself as winner and loser
And coward and conqueror
And then and now and always...
And being enigmatic is a blessing in this world,
Where strange purpose is found
In the very vaguest of words...

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:: Bethany Bassett - 6:08 AM :: + ::

"Your paint dries, the canvas smiles..." (Over the Rhine)

I'm stealing a few minutes now to call my own and no one else's. For once, both sleep and productivity are being abandoned, although sleep always comes last anyway. I probably got about 4 hours last night, but I try to trick my brain into thinking I got so many more.
Some people think I have no energy, but that's not true -- my energy is just quieter, more indrawn and guarded like flower petals closing in. Big things, loud things, big life doesn't scare me, but sometimes I need to retreat and be just me again.
This afternoon is beautiful, and the approaching 3-day weekend makes sunshine even happier. The light is so bright I can't look directly out of my window... just around our dear little apartment with pillows and hats and dried flowers and scents painting a hundred-thousand memories. It's disheartening to think how attached I've grown to a place I've always known was temporary. I need to get used to leaving, but sunlit patterns through cranberry curtains make me jealous of moments when time stands still.
I'm beginning to think that change is one of my biggest fears as well as one of my biggest delights. The grass may always be greener on the other side, but it is definitely softer wherever I am at the moment. Marriage is huge and little and frightening and comforting and dangerous and beautiful. Millions of people before have sacrificed their independence for lifelong companionship; can I too?
I'm learning to forget about doubt though, and I know, more than I know anything else, that God is with me. I'm safe inside hands that fashioned me out of divine dreams and wrote my very own love story and planted courage inside the places that need it the most.
And I'm happy, and life is almost too lovely to use.

Large fingers pushin' paint
You're God and you got big hands
The colors blend
The challenges you give man

Seek my part
Devote myself, my small self
Like a book amongst the many on a shelf

Sometimes I know
Sometimes I rise
Sometimes I fall
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I cringe
Sometimes I live
Sometimes I walk
Sometimes I kneel
Sometimes I speak of nothing at all
Sometimes I reach to myself, dear God"
~Pearl Jam

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:: Bethany Bassett - 6:47 PM :: + ::

"A dream is a wish your heart makes" (Cinderella)

Once upon a time, I wrote the following to a nebulous void:

Would you hold pinkies with me?
Would you mind too many piercings, all my little rebellions?
Would you run through the sprinklers for the fun of disobeying convention?
Would you stay up to 4 a.m. just to talk?
Would you love children, devote your life to making lives beautiful?
Would you watch chick flicks, even though they're, you know, chick flicks?
Would you smile first thing in the morning?
Would you understand me, even when I made no sense?
Would you encourage me?
Would you let me be addicted to the concept of romance?
Would you think in 4-D?
Would you be spontaneous, but consistent above all?
Would your jaw drop and your eyes light up when I glided down a staircase?
Would you play with my hair without being asked?
Would you kiss my eyelids while I slept?
Would you save me from initiative?
Would you help me cook dinner, start a food fight?
Would you pray for me when I didn't know?
Would you sweep me off my feet?
Would you read me to sleep when I was sick?
Would you always put your socks in the laundry basket?
Would you take me to feed the ducks?
Would you hug me when I cried?
Would you hug me as you drifted off to sleep?
Would you hug me if we had just fought?
Would you redeem this tired notion of love?

Tonight, I had the following read back to me:

I’ll hold pinkies with you any and every day
I’m fine with your rebellious nature
I’ll talk to you all night long
I will love children, and will do all I can to give them beautiful lives
As long as I can hold you I’ll watch any chick flick with you
I’ll smile in the morning when you get up and at night before you go to sleep
I’ll understand who you are and why as long as you let me
I’ll lift you up any and every day
I’ll think in however many dimensions there are
I will be spontaneous, but will still try to be consistent
My jaw falls off and my eyes pop out of socket every time you walk into a room
I’ll play with your hair every time it’s close enough to reach
I’ll kiss your eyelids while you sleep even if you never find out.
I’ll initiate as long as you follow
I’ll cook with you every day, and can’t wait to marinate you with my Italian sauces.
I pray for you every day, and don’t plan on stopping that
I’ll sweep you off your feet if you let your emotions run with mine
I’ll read you to sleep, even play guitar to ease your sickness
I’ll fill laundry baskets with dirty socks and filthy handkerchiefs.
I’ll hug you when you cry
I’ll hug you when you smile
I’ll hug you when you sleep
I’ll hug you as I fall asleep
I’ll hug you after a fight
I’ll hug you before a test
I’ll hug you right now
I’ll run through sprinklers with you…I’ll even propose to you in the snow.

I was a dreamer the day I was born. I’ve always dreamed of happiness and beauty and peace…. of a wonderful man who would blow away the embodiment of romance…. of fairytales that could never come true for me.
Tonight, as I sat on a couch next to my new fiancé, my consciousness was overcrowded with a verse I’ve doubted and cherished many times before: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Ps. 37:4) My deepest desires and so very much more are being brought to life before my eyes.
Tonight, a dream came true as I sat in a candlelit gazebo surrounded by the first light snow of the year, and the man I love played a song he wrote for me. Dreams came true the moment I saw the beautiful scene, when Daniel read Proverbs 31 to me and told me that I was that woman, when I held a bundle of flowers meant for no one but me. An enormous dream came true as a velvet-black hole in space and time opened up to reveal the ring of my dreams… as the princess-cut diamond of incredible worth was slipped onto my finger. My finger.
My face and heart hurt from smiling so much. Exactly two months after agreeing to pursue a relationship with Daniel, I agreed to spend my life with him. The timing is frighteningly unconventional, especially to someone with as much inborn cynicism as I, but I see more evidence of God’s work in this than in any other area of my life. I could feel His joy tonight.
The thought has yet to really sink in -- I’m engaged! I’m going to marry the man beyond my dreams who loves me more than I deserve. My life will never again be the same. So hard to believe…. So easy to believe…. So perfectly fashioned for me and the one who loves me…. So beautiful.

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:: Bethany Bassett - 2:47 AM :: + ::

"Didn't have a camera by my side this time..." (John Mayer)

I think sunshine was made to remind us that God still loves to smile. Getting out of bed can be torturous, but mornings really were made for waking up. Who needs breakfast when the sky is deliciously blue, and patterns of sunlight on the sidewalk are scrumptious? I'm glad to be alive.
I miss the feeling of freedom and perfect contentment I always get from being outside in the country, somewhere unpopulated with overflowing portions of green. I love sparkling water and arrangements of leaves in the sky and unrestrained hills with boulders tumbling over each other like facetious school boys. I miss the speed of jet-skiing and the quietness of slow walks in the woods. Animals and plants and nature and me. I feel like a huge part of me belongs outdoors.
I hope each of you have an inspiring day!

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:: Bethany Bassett - 9:53 AM :: + ::

"Let's walk to the sound of distant shells..." (Badly Drawn Boy)

Waiting.
Alone with music and thoughts,
And wondering which is louder.
The speakers are cranked up,
But silence is not based on sound,
And silence is my companion tonight.
Would pleasure exist without anticipation,
Or suffering without suspense,
Or joy without agonizing hope?
Shadows flickering on the walls
Like animate objects with souls all their own.
Haven't you always known
That someday is forever in the future?
I have, and I do,
Alone with music and thoughts,
And knowing which is louder.

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:: Bethany Bassett - 1:04 AM :: + ::

"Guilt-stricken, sobbing with his head on the floor..." (The Verve Pipe)

A little background info -- The following was scribbled on a gas station receipt as I was driving to Wal-Mart yesterday. This is a frequent habit of mine, as my thoughts have a tendency not to wait until I'm in ideal conditions to write them down. God help all the other drivers if I am ever found without paper and a pen! (God help them anyway, as writing while driving is probably not the safest activity known to mankind.) Does anyone else have this infirmity?
"This day has an inherently sad quality about it. I am again a voluntary Atlas, carrying a world too full of grief to comprehend. So many broken hearts, shattered dreams, pieces of people strewn across emotional battlefields. Sunshine is tainted by regrets. I wish I could divorce myself from humanity and not have to feel the weight of so many tears falling in this world. How did Jesus take this upon Himself?"
Amazing how the world can be so vibrant and beautiful while so heartbroken... and heartbreaking.

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:: Bethany Bassett - 9:50 PM :: + ::