:: Friday, October 11, 2002 ::

"And I can't recall myself, how I went down..." (Switchfoot)

Amy's post last Monday hints at the thoughts I'm stumbling over tonight.
I've grown up believing that my place is to wait, to be inactive and let myself be pursued, to guard my true feelings (an oxymoron?) under layers of stoicism. I must play hard-to-get. No man wants something he can grasp easily.
Except that one person must necessarily throw sentimental treasures on the line and risk tragedy or bliss. And it is more of a cop-out than anything to sit back and let the "him" sweat and struggle.
This is the new millennium, and I am a wuss. Yes, I am very open about most things, but honesty is often a game. I don't have the courage to say a few certain words, so I fill up the space with every other topic. I bare my soul in order to hide parts of it... trying to distract others from my fragility. Or maybe I do it for myself -- self-disclosure as pennance for words unsaid.
I know years of silent thoughts are setting me up for regret. The "what ifs" are always louder than logic... but not always as convincing. What if I closed my eyes, stopped thinking, and jumped? What if I chose to forget necessities like assurance? What if I took a chance and indulged the what-ifs? Would I kill one of the most beautiful gifts God has ever brought into my life?

"so fade to black and white now
roll the movie of my life
inside of my head
'cause like all true believers
I am truly skeptical
of all that I have said" ~otr

Labels: Yore

:: Bethany Bassett - 10:26 PM :: + ::