:: Sunday, August 18, 2002 ::

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..." (Semisonic)

I went to the IMPACT retreat with an unhealthy level of cynicism. I was expecting a sequel to last year's disaster, and "Dr. Larry A. Mercer," the featured speaker, coneyed images of a pompous, balding man with a religious ego to match his considerable girth. I was pleasantly surprised when a wiry black man wearing a glorified t-shirt made his way to the front, and proceeded to make God's love clearer than I've ever heard before. After the first night's session, I went out to a porch swing. I sat there alone in the beauty of trees by starlight and just talked to God. I didn't play my stupid game of "I'm too confused, too beat down, too screwed up to pray." I just talked to Him about everything, and His arms were around me, a quiet fulfillment whispering, "I love you, Bethany Grace Smith."
The retreat as a whole was very good, possibly more so because of my glum expectations. I always enjoy seeing people again... but of course, there are always Confusing Things. Something like a constant mental swirlie. If there was just one Confusing Person, I could rationalize the trouble away. However, when one becomes a few, and a few become many, the mixture of thoughts and feelings take off to places even I can't reach.
So strange, this front we always have and always will put up. I wonder what would happen if I told some people that certain things they do make me want to throw up and cry, or if I told others that everything inside smiles when I see them? But no. There is only one happy medium, which basically involves a lot of enduring. What would it take to be completely real with everyone I come into contact with? Not just the real of genuine smiles, but the real that strips off layers from the heart... the real that leaves others knowing me... the real that dissolves pretentions and exposes intentions...
Perhaps in another life, when we are both cats.

Labels: Yore

:: Bethany Bassett - 1:01 AM :: + ::